Takaeyama

     What am I doing here?

     Takaeyama blinked up at the rafters above. I was in the woods. Yes, sitting in the woods, he remembered. They must have found me. That had to be it. He could remember waiting for them to come and get him. I must have slept…

     He thought a bit about dreaming. Yes, I dreamt. It had been a strange dream. He couldn’t recall most of it, but small pieces, like clips of film, surfaced in his mind. Oh, yeah, he thought, it was a sad dream. Somebody had died. He’d wanted to avenge that death. At the time, he felt as though he’d been pickled in sorrow and rage.

     But it was only a dream.

     Why was I waiting for them to find me? Slowly, Takaeyama’s mind was clearing. The more he recalled of the past few days, the more he wished he could forget. He wanted to sink back into sleep, return to his land of dreams.

      He’d been called before the Elders, the men who presided over the boarding school where he was an instructor. They’d been so cold, so harsh… Takaeyama himself had been stubborn. It didn’t matter, he kept telling himself. Nothing mattered as longs as Keita had been with him.

     Keita… his face swam to the surface of Takaeyama’s memory. Those soft grey eyes he had, the crooked smile, the dark hair that was so often unkempt- all the tiny details that made up the man stabbed painfully at Takaeyama’s heart. Years of days and nights flickered through his mind. In each season, something had been obliterated, but that never seemed to matter. As Takaeyama woke fully, all the disjointed pieces of his memory connected and realization crashed over him. I have no family. They had abandoned him, all but Kieran. I have no friends. They, too, had turned their backs. I have no home. The Elders had made it plain that he was no longer welcome. I have nothing.

     It wouldn’t have mattered.

     It wouldn’t have mattered.

     Takaeyama had grown up in a boarding school for Corduran boys destined to become martial arts instructors. His childhood had been both peaceful and happy. His natural talent and easygoing demeanor had made him popular amongst the other boys, and well liked by his teachers. Each year, his family had made a few visits to the school. They’d gone on picnics, built snowmen, and always laughed. At the yearly tournament, they’d all be there to cheer him on- his parents, his older brother, Kieran, and his older sister, Yuriko. Twice a year, he’d return to his family’s home for vacation.

     Throughout his idyllic childhood, Takaeyama had always known Keita. They’d enrolled at the school on the very same day, and before long they became inseparable. The pair did everything together- studying, sparring, playing childhood games. Even in summer, when school was not in session, they each spent a week visiting each other’s homes. The adults in their lives used to joke that one day the boys would glue themselves together.

     It happened when they were sixteen. It had been a day like any other, complete with the usual routine. They’d been alone in the gymnasium where they’d been sparring. They wrestled for a bit on the mats, until they fell, winded and laughing, limbs tangled. It seemed they would stare at each other for an eternity- or perhaps an eternity had passed already… they’d forgotten everything but the look of one another’s eyes. The only sound was the noise of their breathing in unison. As they leaned toward one another, it felt like pitching over and falling forever through a universe of stars and fire.

     It was their secret. In the beginning, it had been an easy one to keep. In those early days, it had been like a game, an adventure. Their secret smiles, a quick spark that would light up their eyes, the way they could talk without saying a word, those things would never betray them. Those were simply the hallmarks of a lifelong friendship. But time makes one careless. After a few years, the rumors began to fly.

     They’d completed their studies, Takaeyama graduating with top marks, Keita not far behind. They decided, of course, to attend the same university in Kitaka’en. No one was surprised. At their old school, though they still remained fairly well liked, some of the other boys began to whisper, thunderheads gathering before a massive storm.

     They managed to get through a year at university before the real trouble started. In their all-boys school in the countryside, it’d been easy enough to explain away their lack of female companionship. However, once they were settled in a fairly large city, both of their families began to pressure them. Takaeyama, who’d always been a star student, and was proving to be so at his new school as well, simply told his family that he was too busy with his studies. It wasn’t until Yuriko got a job in the city as a kindergarten teacher that the real trouble started.

     She’d been screaming a good fifteen minutes before they could calm her. She’d thrown anything within reach at the two of them. How were they to know she’d just walk into their flat unannounced?

    “You’re disgusting,” she said to her brother between choking sobs.

     Keita and Takaeyama returned to their hometown at the summons of their families. As the group of them sat in Takaeyama’s parents’ living room, eyeing each other with discomfort, the true weight of what they’d been doing sank around the two young men. Takaeyama’s mother broke the nerve-wracking silence.

     “Please explain to your sister that she did not see what she thought she saw.”

     There was a heavy silence as Takaeyama and Keita looked at one another. In that wordless way they had of communicating, they decided together. They had no choice.

     “I can’t,” whispered Takaeyama in a choked voice, lowering his head. Keita rose and walked over to him. They took each other’s hands. Gathering strength through their unity, Takaeyama spoke slowly and clearly. “I can’t tell her that because it isn’t true. She saw exactly what she thought she saw.”

     There was a sudden explosion of noise. Every person in the room was yelling, pointing fingers, flailing arms. The sound was deafening, all the voices blending together into one- the voice of some monster of rage. Some of the women were crying, the men red-faced. After a few moments had passed, and calm had not been restored, Takaeyama and Keita walked away, still holding hands.

     By the time they’d finished university, they’d lost all their former school friends. As rumor spread around the two of them, it became harder and harder to meet new people. However, they were impervious to unhappiness. The days passed by as always, and the pair enjoyed their life together. Not long after they’d graduated, they were hired by their old boarding school to return as instructors. 

     Things had gone smoothly for a few years. In the end, however, the ominous rumors had followed them, and parents began to complain. Keita and Takaeyama were called before the Elders- separately- and given an ultimatum. They could either cease to see each other, or be fired. Takaeyama felt the choice was obvious.

     Keita didn’t.

     “I don’t want to live my life like this anymore,” he’d said. “I don’t want to lose my job. I miss my family. I’m lonely.”

     “It’ll be ok,” Takaeyama persuaded. “We have each other, just like the other times. I love you. I don’t want to live without you.”

     There was a long silence. When Keita finally broke it, his voice was strained.

     “I don’t want this life. I- I don’t think I love you enough to go through all this.”

     “You don’t mean that. Maybe-“

     “Yes, I do!” Keita’s voice grew angry and cold. “I hate this! I can’t stand it. Maybe what we’re doing really is wrong. Everyone else seems to think so. I want to live like everyone else. I don’t want this life with you. Not anymore.”

     Tears began to run down Takaeyama’s cheeks.

     “Please… don’t do this, Keita. You’re all I have.”

     Keita wouldn’t look at Takaeyama.

     “You’ll find something else.”

     “I can’t.”

     “Then just make do.”

     Keita rose and walked away.

     Takaeyama, miserable, had gone through the next few days in a haze. He felt that he’d wake up, and all of the trouble would have faded. However, this was not the case. The losses in his life piled upon his spirit, dragging him into despair. He wondered pointlessly whether things would be any different had he been able to live his life again. He thought not. It was Keita that mattered.

     On the day that he left the boarding school and gone wandering into the woods, Takaeyama had sought Keita out in the evening. They’d been outside, the summer air cooling as the Black Sun made its descent into night. Takaeyama reached out his hand, but Keita pulled away. Undeterred, Takaeyama spoke.

     “You can’t be happy doing this.”

     Keita didn’t answer. He simply looked at Takaeyama in stony silence.

     “Come back to me,” Takaeyama persuaded.

     “No.” Keita’s voice was flat and emotionless.

     “I miss you.”

     “Leave me alone, Takaeyama. I don’t want them to see us.”

     “Who cares what they think?”

     “I care. We were wrong. We should never have been together, even if it killed us.”

     “It’ll kill me now, if you leave me.”

     “They you’ll have to die, I guess.” Keita turned to walk away. Takaeyama reached out and put his hand on Keita’s shoulder. In an instant, he was on his back, winded and shocked. Keita stood over him. He spat and said, “I’ll kill you myself if you don’t let me alone.”

     Takaeyama felt as though he were drowning. He gasped and hauled himself up. Keita was walking away from him. Please don’t leave me alone…

     “Keita…”

     The blow to his face stung long after the one he loved faded into the dusk. The drowning feeling intensified. He walked into the forest, visions of all the things he’d lost dangling before his eyes like fish before a hungry cat.

     And then he woke up here, in this strange room. Hot tears of frustration and misery burned his eyes. He turned his head to let them fall. That’s when he noticed, through blurred vision, the girl. She trained her eyes on him at his sudden motion, a look of compassion encompassing her features. She got down from the chair she’d been sitting on and knelt down beside him.

     “It’s okay,” she whispered as she brushed the hair back from his forehead. Her touch was gentle and he tried to let it soothe him. Finally, he found the voice to speak.

     “Where am I?”

     “You’re in a Decameron outpost, north of Rien.”

     “Rien?” How did I get so far away?

     “How much can you remember?”

     “Too much.” Takaeyama’s voice was barely audible. A sob shuddered within him. The girl did not prompt him to speak further. Rather, she simply waited. After a while, he said,  “I was waiting under a tree. I think… I think I fell asleep. Is that where you found me?”

     “No…” the girl paused. “Do you recall anything that’s happened in the past week?”

     “Week?” I was home then, wasn’t I? Or… “I had a dream. I dreamt, I think… I dreamt of people I didn’t know. Was I dreaming?”

     “You’ve been traveling with a group of people. They found you under the tree. Can you remember them?” Her voice remained soft, gentle, coaxing the answer from his mind.

     It was a sad dream. Somebody died.

     “Oh…” Takaeyama made a sound of abject disappointment. He could barely force the next words off his tongue. “It was real?”

     “It’s ok…”

     “No, it’s not. Somebody died. Somebody who I didn’t want to die. I don’t know why. I can’t remember why…”

     “It’s alright. Nobody died. Everyone’s okay. They’re all here. You can see them later, if you want.”

     “I can’t remember them. I can only remember… things that I want to forget.” Takaeyama’s voice dropped to a whisper. He felt that he couldn’t hold back the flood of sorrow a moment longer. It broke from him, tears trickling from his eyes once more. The girl stayed with him for a while, then rose and turned out the lights, whispering,

     “You’ll be alright. I promise.”